SoToday I was out in a gathering of people, but I wasn’t really there. I was zoned out, locked inside my head. And as people moved around me and did their own things, it reminded me of  something I believed in as a child. Back when I was the only kid in the world.

Lemme explain.

I couldn’t understand how other people could be real, how is it that they could exist in the same way I do, think in the same way I do, and feel emotions as I do?

I thought of the world in the same way the game “Age of Empires” was. You know, how only the part of the map you’ve discovered is illuminated. I truly believed that the world was like a computer engine. Thus, only the things I looked at and the spaces I was in, were rendered. I believed that if I turned fast enough, I might beat the system and find a glitch in the matrix.

This was why the sun and the moon followed our car, they had nowhere else to be, nothing else to illuminate, so it had to be wherever I was.

For this reason, I thought I was the only real person in the world and everybody else was an NPC. Sometimes I would sneak into a room because I thought that when people weren’t interacting with me, they go dormant and freeze. I never caught anyone frozen unfortunately, but I remained steadfast.

I was raised Catholic, so I strongly believed in God and he was key in my simulation. I believed that God created this world just for me and it was mine. I was the only one in it and everybody else was either an angel he sent to watch over me or a robot he created to keep me safe.

Thinking of other people as angels or God’s robots was really important. It helped me learn to be kind, as I believed their purpose was solely to serve my existence, and that deserved gratitude. I thought that when I couldn’t see them, they left this mortal plane and were working hard with God to cater for me.

It was a little narcissistic, but it was the only thing that made sense, because I couldn’t fathom how anyone else could be real like me, feel like me or think like me.

It probably would’ve broken my little mind if I was an identical twin, would he have been real to me? Or just another NPC? Perhaps I would’ve come up with a fantastical way to account for the duplicate.

My theory was iron clad and I couldn’t find any holes in it. I was fascinated by the detailed and complex stories the NPCs would make up to support their existence. It felt like story telling, everyone’s life, everyone’s existence.

It bothered me when God’s angels were mean to each other. It bothered me even more when they were mean to me, but it was all just make-believe to me. Added gore for believability.

Eventually, I grew to care for the NPCs, I forgot they weren’t real. Their joy was my joy, their pain was my pain. I wanted every NPC to be happy. I was grateful to them because they made my life great. I wanted to thank them but if I spoke of their secret, it would break the matrix. So, I was simply kind to them.

It is perhaps the hardest thing to comprehend, that I am just one of many, that I may not be the only kid in the world. I suppose one day I’ll find out. Will the matrix go on after I die?

When you’re not reading this, are you real?
Are you even here when I blink?